There is a problem with the relations between the sexes in general, and with marriage in particular that cannot be denied.
I discovered the manosphere in 2011 (and the larger NRx more broadly) by typing into a search engine something like “why are men and husbands portrayed as dolts in movies, TV, and commercials?”
This one search opened a world for me that I had only poked around in the dark for until that point. I knew there was something wrong, but I had never seen it articulated so well as when I came upon the likes of The Rationale Male, Dalrock, etc.
To dismiss it all as “misogyny” is ridiculous. There are too many men who have been heartbroken by frivolous divorces, hamstrung by the ever changing rules of “dating” and scared to death to ever criticize a woman in public for fear of the consequences for it to just be a bunch of woman haters.
The very worst behaviors of one sex have been incentivized–subsidized even–while all the restrictions on the other sex remain in place.
This sexual dystopia is not a conspiracy. There is no center of gravity or locus of control that is consolidating its feminine imperative. Its an organic problem that is going to morph and change into whatever it changes into regardless of what a small band of questioners do or say on these blogs, therefore:
The problem cannot be fixed within the context of the ambient, mainstream culture and its institutions.
All of the critiques found in places like Dalrock make me glad I am not a protestant anymore. The open rebellion against even the slightest hint at a return to a patriarchal aesthetic (let alone, real embedded father/headship type Christian families) is breathtaking. This culture (the USA) is hell bent on “progress” (read: change for the sake of change) no matter how much baby is thrown out with the bathwater and I am sorry to my friends who still believe in “America.” It was baked into the cake from the beginning. American based denominations are infused with Americanism–and that is not 100% flawless and good. Wrap your Christianity in the American flag and you get what you get. Why be surprised by it?
My fleeing to Orthodoxy is, at least in part because it has an unchangeable canonical tradition that can be appealed to and most priests, when backed into a corner will dispense the old sayings. Even if they have to hold their nose while doing it.
As all human endeavors “the red pill” has flaws.
The most glaring one has been fleshed out on my own blog in the last few days. It is internally inconsistent to argue that women should only marry a man who they are super sexy head over heals in love with while also arguing that they should marry very early at the first sight of a commitment oriented man.
As a psychologist (who happens to be the rare bird of a psychologist who takes my Christian faith seriously) my best shot at reconciling this problem comes in the form of analytics. That is to say, to offer a hypothesis. Maybe, “relationship satisfaction” is a construct that is impossible to nail down because of the atomized, no real community, no cultural homogeneity situation we find ourselves in. What I mean is, what if there are numerous ways to define this concept along any number of sometimes overlapping dimensions. I wish I could wave a magic wand over the situation because in my minds eye, I have a pretty clear picture of what such cultural, values, and morals harmony would look like. But every time I try to articulate it, I sound like a grumpy old man complaining about “these kids these days.”
I realized, just today actually, that my first attempt to enter this community of bloggers, “The Courtship Pledge” was indeed an effort to tackle the above conundrum head on. The response from the red-pill world was totally flat. This does not mean I was right and they were wrong, but the resounding message was “can’t be done. And here’s why…” Recall, that blog was an attempt to at least cobble together some like-minded parents who were willing to critique the modern mate selection process known as “dating” on the grounds that it has ZERO parental involvement.
The most common criticism of my idea was “you can’t control your kids.” Which, of course was an attack based on nothing I ever said, even once. What I wondered, out loud was “can we inject even some small amount of parental guidance into the biggest decision our kids will ever make? 5%, 25%? Anything?” I wrote posts about parenting styles, expectation management, behavioral conditioning models, influence vs control, and how people might spend a lifetime raising their kids to at least entertain the idea of asking for their parents help in finding a mate.
I read Joshua Harris’ book and thought it was a wonderful expression of this very idea that was taken in a really weird direction by his “followers.” I spoke to him directly and I heard in his voice a man who was despondent about what happened. I wrote about that interview on The Courtship Pledge.
But the resounding chorus was “you can’t pick your kids spouses for them,” so, I quit. I quit trying to reason that some (not 100%) involvement in this decision might be possible, if the parents of little kids would commit to it now.
This process would have, in my opinion had an impact on the internal consistency problem of the dual message: “marry young, but don’t settle.” In a world where only a tiny handful of us “traditionalists” exist, what else can you do but offer your kids an alternative and then let them decide?
And since I believe that most distributions are naturally occurring, I do believe that one of those distributions “sexual attraction and satisfaction in marriage” is probably pretty stubborn. Some couples are just going to be more in tune with each other on that level, and it appears I hit the jackpot on that one. So I have only gratitude. But the cultural narrative that you must have a super sexy time hot marriage 24/7 is unrealistic–even I don’t have that.
I am not conducting 4GW or 3D chess.
Yesterday, Boxer posted this commentary on his blog. I am not a part of the meme squad. I am not a subversive. Those guys on places like 4chan who triangulated Shia LeBoauf and his HWNDU flag? Not me. I’m just a guy who thinks that, although the passage of time will always bring new challenges in the form of technology and other discoveries, we should be looking back to our ancestors for the answers (or at least general guidance) to our most pressing cultural and moral problems. Call it “nutraditionalism” or whatever. All I want to do is use my limited power of perception to figure out how to raise my children right, in a Christian context and not blow up the world. This means telling the Truth about things that I never even thought of before.
The reason I stopped featuring dads just being dads? Nobody got it. It is a testament to how far fatherhood has fallen in the eyes of the broader culture (and even fathers themselves!) that when asked most men see such a pro-father idea as “anti-woman.” They did not want their fathering to be honored because “my wife is the real hero”and other blue-pill white knighting garbage. Fucking vomit. Honoring fatherhood for its own sake is “anti-woman.” This means masculinity is on the ropes.
I would have been content to just have my blue pill marriage, probably. But once you see what is going on around you, you cannot unsee it. It really is that simple. I am not a mastermind trying to doxx people for some nefarious reason. But…
I am a little suspicious and annoyed by all the anonymity.
There, I said it. I understand that there are risks involved in writing about these things, and I have already paid a heavy price in a few areas. My entire blogging life has had one central theme: get real people together to discuss and work out a plan for how to fix what is wrong. Yesterday, one of my regular readers was over at another blog calling me a “coward” for the way I handled his (in my opinion) inappropriate comment on my site.
Its not that I don’t care about being called a coward–of course I do. I am a man, and “coward” hits any man right where it counts. But in this case, it didn’t bother me at all. Why? Because how can the word “coward” have any meaning in a totally virtual world where no one ever sees each other face to face? A world where I have no idea who you are. And I really mean who you are. Its like telling a woman who you have never seen she is ugly. If I do something cowardly and my good friend sees me do it and calls me on it, you bet your ass I am going to work on changing it. But my relationship to the men of the manosphere, with the exception of 3 now has been entirely one dimensional. Two gravatar images passing in the miles and miles of ether text that amounts to nothing really. Which brings me to this point:
There is a contingency of folks in red-pill land who do not want anything to change.
I’m sorry, but what use is it to complain about all these issues in a cyber world if you do not intend to push back–in real life–at great personal risk to yourself. It makes me wonder “do you really hate it that much?” I understand many men in the manosphere feel powerless against a society that has basically crushed all of masculinity out of existence except for in the upper crust of the SES stratosphere, where they play by whatever rules they want. Please understand–I am not calling anonymous bloggers and commenters cowards. I just don’t know you. How can I call anyone I have never looked in the eye a coward? I only know that you are angry, hurt and I agree with your reasons. And so…
What I am trying to do with this blog is interact, however imperfectly, with the deep, powerful truths learned in the manosphere.
And I look retarded doing it. I understand this. But bear in mind (and I have pointed this out over and over) none of us men living today grew up with a perfect example of it in action. Even if we had good, strong fathers who could put down “shit tests” like nothing, and take big risks without so much as a second thought–we now live in a world that absolutely despises a guy like that and will make you out to be a monster. My grandfather Leach who was a good and decent man would be hauled off to jail for his behavior today. We live in a culture that rewards equivocating, demure, not-rocking-the-boat behavior. Especially from men.
I will keep screwing this up, pretty much every day. But I believe the manosphere has uncovered something real, something true that cannot be ignored. I don’t agree with every wrinkle of the fabric that it has created. But if an idea does not call you to action, it is worthless.